There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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