Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
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Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
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How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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