You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
