Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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