first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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