Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
if only i could text you this smell
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
