I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
