Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
