i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
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She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
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Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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