I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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