She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
