I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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