I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
