I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
