do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
