Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
