Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
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i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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