Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
