how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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