Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
