I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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