If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
