I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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