i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
