I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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