You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
