We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
