He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
