dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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