my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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