i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
