A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
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I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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