I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
