so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
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I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
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Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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