a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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