so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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