When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
