just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
