Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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