i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
