I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I woke up under a house in Key West
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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