Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
