So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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