Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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