dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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