I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
