That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
