New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm passing your future prison.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
3 2 1 whiskey
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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