btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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