Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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