my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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