Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
