Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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