we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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