dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
