oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just forgot I was standing up.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
