I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
