so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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