im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
