If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
