Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
