I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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